April 24, 2007 - Lakers v. Suns

Due to the graphic and obscene content of last night’s Lakers game, this piece will be shorter than usual.

That was an absolute ass-beating. No mistake about it. It was ugly early and it just got uglier and uglier as the game went on. Thank goodness Jordan Farmar and Luke Walton showed a little energy in the 3rd quarter. You know, because otherwise this game might’ve gotten out of hand. My stomach actually hurt a little bit in the early going, when the Lakers were still hanging in there within 10 points or so and the Suns were draining shot after shot after shot and the Lakers would struggle just to get a half-way decent look at a shot, only to miss and have the Suns run down and score within seconds again and again. It was dreadful. Horrible. Embarrassing.

I could feel the hatred grow strong in me last night, and I almost went to the dark side, coming just short of wishing injury on the Suns’ star players for remaining in the game in the 4th quarter of a 30-point walloping. Can someone please explain to me why the need for all of the fancy behind the back showboat passes in a game that had been decided two quarters earlier? Barbosa, in particular, was laying it on a little thick. But I suppose that’s alright. Maybe he’ll cry the most when the Suns are eliminated in the next round or two. I hope there are no towels around for him to cover his head when it happens either, because I want to see it for myself. Uh-oh, maybe I have gone to the dark side.

I realize the way I feel about the Suns right now is why there are so many Lakers haters out there. The Suns are just flat out good. They’re fast and exciting to watch. They have confidence and swagger. Aside from the fact that they haven’t won a championship, they’re all the things the Lakers teams throughout history typically are.

I don’t think I can watch Kwame Brown play anymore. It hurts too much. That’s all there is to it.

As dreadful as the game was last night, I found myself getting incredibly annoyed with a fan whose cheers were being picked up by KCAL 9’s audio feed. She had this incredibly high pitched shriek of a cheer that sounded like a dolphin being tortured. It would’ve been tolerable a few times after an exciting play or something, but this woman cheered at EVERY DAMN PLAY the Suns made. I mean it. Layups. Free throws. Everything. The worst part is, she stayed and cheered the entire game. With a 30 point lead in garbage time, the Suns summoned Pat Burke from the deepest, deepest, deep part of their bench. When he finally got into the game and actually touched the basketball, this woman went clinically insane and I thought the speakers on my TV were gonna blow. Luckily, time expired. The game was over and the woman had to be returned to the ocean where she will spend the rest of her life avoiding tuna nets.

April 24, 2007 - Lakers v. Suns

I experienced the five stages of dying last night during the absolute total ass beating that the Lakers took last night at the hands of the Suns.

DENIAL
This is the phase where the person thinks there must have been a mistake, or is defiant of the facts. The natural first reaction is disbelief and shock so great that you just don't believe it's happening.

"Smush is going to get fired up about not starting and he'll come out on defense and lock down Nash." and "We beat them last year in game 2 and went on to go up 3-1. We could have had them last year!"

ANGER
You have always known you would die someday, but coming face to face with it, being hopeless makes you angry. (This phase lasted longer for me than most dying people)

"Who the hell makes a call like that on their end but doesn't make it on ours!?!?!" "Can we get Turiaf in there for Kwame Brown? Kwame looks like he's in some kind of 'walking coma' " "Is Phil Jackson awake?? WTF!?!?!? SOMEONE WAKE HIM UP AND CALL A *#!%$& TIMEOUT!!!!"

BARGAINING
Death is now upon you and you are trying to appeal to your loved ones, and make amends for things you have done. You are appealing to God.

"Should I get another Jersey? Maybe I should sit change seats on the couch..." "What if they're losing because I'm wearing the wrong lucky Lakers shirt?" "I don't care if he's sleeping, put the Lakers hat on the baby!"

DEPRESSION
Mourning, regret, and absolute despair are the hallmarks of this phase. The realization that Smush is our STARTING point Guard, we owe 30 million dollars to Vladmir Radmanovic over the next 5 years, AND Kobe (28 y/o) has played 784 NBA games and Aaron McKie (34 y/o) has played 794 in his career. READ THAT AGAIN! That's like a 5 year old Porche with 200,000 miles on it.

There wasn't much thought during this phase, I was just an ethereal, hollow, shell of a man. Much like Kwame Brown.

ACCEPTANCE
In the end acceptance is brought on by weariness from fighting against the inevitable. There is no pain, there is no sorrow, there is no joy, there is only the acceptance and death. At the final buzzer, there was no miracle last minute comeback, there was no last minute stay of execution by the NBA league front office, and Hulk Hogan did not jump out of the stands with a folding chair and hit Steve Nash in the back... I'm hoping for that last one anyways.

The Suns are just a better team. The Lakers played like crap and could have made different personnel moves (I think the up-tempo style is better suited for Turiaf at the 5 instead of Kwame) but in the end we just didn't have enough time with all the players healthy. I think a lot of these guys are playing hurt and it's showing through...

April 21, 2007 - Dodgers v. Pirates

Wow!! Now that’s how you finish a game. There’s nothing like an extra inning walk-off grand slam to get the season going in full gear. What turned out to be a pretty sloppy game on both sides finished in fine fashion for sure. Martin wasn’t content with a measly game winning single, a walk, or even a sac fly. He wanted the big one. The grand salami. Jacking that granny to win it in the 10th made up for his botched throw earlier in the game that set up the Pirates’ first run and rattled the emotionally fragile Brad Penny into a mediocre performance. That throw was a rare mental mistake by Martin, who’s always a picture of poise and maturity. Martin’s heroics aside, this game showed the Dodgers’ resiliency and ability to bounce back from a late game deficit, scoring in the 8th and 9th to send the game into extra frames. When the Angels won their title in ’02, they had a lot of victories like the one the Dodgers had last night. Hopefully there’ll be many more like it as the season goes on.

It was pretty obvious what Grady Little’s agenda was when he went to the mound in the 3rd inning last night. Clearly he wasn’t there to advise Penny as he, Martin and Penny all seemed to be standing around in awkward silence, each of them taking turns spitting and looking around the field and crowd, patiently waiting for Umpire, Country Joe West to come to the mound to hurry the meeting along. You could tell by West’s reaction when he arrived that Little wanted to talk about balls and strikes. Obviously West would have none of it and quickly gave Little the heave-ho. Here’s what’s funny about Grady Little getting ejected though. Throughout the entire course of this event, I couldn’t stop thinking about how silly it is that major league managers wear uniforms. What is that all about anyway? There’s no other sport that I can think of that the manager or coach wears the uniform of the team playing. It’s even sillier than NBA coaches wearing ties (is there a more blue-collar job than coaching basketball?). Anyway, this whole major league manager wearing a uniform thing is really outdated and just needs to stop. It must date back to when there were a lot of player-managers in the league and there was a pretty good chance the manager was actually playing in the game. However, I really don’t see Grady Little breaking into this Dodger lineup any time soon. Unless he’s hitting for Wilson Betemit…

April 21, 2007 - Dodgers v. Pirates

Some may frown on watching sports tape delayed or on Tivo. However, when you have a 6 month old baby at home there is simply no other way. I actually was a proponent of watching things live, and never really liked watching baseball because of the all the damn commercials. Combine this with the fact that they actually have rules on how long a pitcher can dick around on the mound before actually throwing a pitch and baseball may be gaining a new fan. This is the first game of the season for me and because I somehow screwed up the recording, I didn't start recording until the 3rd inning when Wolf was striking dudes out. That was followed up by a huge bottom of the 3rd where 6 runs were scored and pretty much put the game away early.

Here's a few things that stand out:

1) Wolf looked pretty good, but since I'm only a casual viewer the only guys I ever see on TV the last couple years have been Mariano Rivera, Clemens, Papelbon, Schilling and now Dice-K it's hard to tell how good he is... Seriously though, I don't know how many times the Yankees and Red Sox play each other but isn't anyone sick of it yet? I mean part of what made the Celtics and Lakers rivalry so great was that they only played a handful of times a year and it was something really special... These guys see each other probably more than their own families.

2) Juan Pierre is fast. Really really fast.

3) This appearance by Wolf broke up my personal 452,846,937,683 game streak of watching a Dodger game with Penny in the lineup... somehow everytime I watched the Dodgers in the last couple years it was Brad Penny. I thought he was the only pitcher they had.

Clippers v. Lakers - April 12, 2007

OUCH! I’ll bet it hurts to be kneed in the…umm....'groin' by a 7 foot tall man jumping directly towards you. Poor Cory Maggette. They would’ve had to cart me off on a stretcher after that collision for sure.

Hey speaking of things that hurt; you know what’s really painful? Watching Smush Parker play. What is going on with this guy? How is it that Smush Parker seems to have a hand in almost every botched play the Lakers have during the course of a game. I know when Smush came on the scene at the beginning of last year a lot of people were excited about him because he had a catchy name and he referred to his car as the Smushcalade, but I think people are over that now. He’s absolutely brutal. That leaping leaner he took from the middle of the key from about 10 feet out without a single defender anywhere near him was downright embarrassing. Hell, I could’ve done that! Man, he can throw up some serious garbage when he wants to. Yet somehow lately he seems to end up with the ball in his hands just as time expires at the end of every quarter. I don’t get it. I just don’t. Is it by design? I seriously doubt it. Everyone knows that Smush has been in Phil Jackson’s doghouse lately, Jackson suggesting that Smush seems a little tired and hasn’t had the energy they’d like to see from him. Well, I decided to watch Smush and only Smush for small blocks of time to see if he indeed ‘lacked energy.’ Turns out he does. So, not only is he an offensive threat, meaning he’s a threat to the Lakers’ offense, but he lacks energy. He hurts the Lakers and does so with remarkable efficiency I might add. Here’s what you should do sometime while watching your next Lakers game; watch Smush Parker for 30 seconds. Then find Kobe on the floor and watch him for 30 seconds. For good measure, go back and find Smush again. He won’t be hard to find. He’s the guy standing still. It’s like night and day. Chances are pretty good that you’ve probably just witnessed yet another Smush turnover during that minute and a half. I know it’s not really fair to compare Smush to Kobe, but regardless of how much talent you have (or in Smush’s case, how much talent you don’t have) the energy level should be the same. It’s no wonder Phil's been riding him lately.

So let's talk about what everyone really wants to know. What were those things on Cuttino Mobley’s arms last night? Does he always wear those? What are they? Are they bridal gloves with the hand portion cut off? They look like leg warmers for the arms. They’re arm warmers. Is there a medical or physical need to wear these arm warmers? Or does he wear them just because they look so damn fashionable? Do they only come in white or can I...err...I mean can one get them in other colors as well? Hmm. I guess Patrick Ewing introduced the under-the-jersey white t-shirt. Michael Jordan made long shorts and a shaved head trendy. And now Cuttino Mobley has brought women's hand wear to the forefront of NBA fashion. Well done, Cuttino. Well done.

Clippers v. Lakers - April 12, 2007

I don't really know how to describe this game without a heavy dose of expletives. Besides the playoff implications, what really disappoints me is that these last few games are supposed to be about getting a good rhythm, a nice tight rotation, and fine tuning your defense. I really think that there's a lot of talent on this team, we're just not getting them to play together well. Now we're talking about possibly missing the playoffs??? We don't want to miss the playoffs no matter what the idiots on the radio say. This isn't the Celtics, we don't just start throwing games to hope we can get help from a 18 year old kid fresh out of college. Where the hell is our Laker pride? Blowing a 17 point lead always adds up to a couple people screwing up:

1) Smush playing matador defense on Sam Cassell who's the only player in the league to be taking an NBA check AND a social security check. Yes, Smush had some clutch 3's but he failed miserably defending the fire starter of the Clips.

2) Kobe taking crazy shots in the last 8 minutes of the game with tons of time on the clock. Trying to bank it off the glass is a good shot, banking it off Elton Brand's right hand is a bad shot...

3) Refs! It was almost like a flip of the coin what was going to be called and what wasn't. We all know that the NBA has the worst refs of any professional sport. I would like to say they called it too tight, or too loose, but my biggest complaint was that they called it completely without any sort of discernible rhyme or reason.

4) What happened to the Laker defense in general? When the Lakers went on their first big spurt, it was when Maurice Evans replaced Luke guarding Magette. Luke is great, and I love him on offense AND defense, but Magette is a freakish athlete, you need another freakish athlete to put on him on defense, and that's Mo. PJ should have put Mo on Magette in middle of that run the Clips made in the 4th quarter. I love Luke, seriously he's one of my favorite players, but he just doesn't match up well against these genetically engineered super-humans who can palm the hood of my car, crumple it up into a ball and dunk it on a 14 foot rim. Now if Luke was playing defense against a guy like he does in this instructional video I found on Youtube, it would be a different story:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iDkDsHjyJs

There were some things I did like in the game:

1) Kobe in the first three quarters

Kobe was kinda coasting a little bit and letting the game come to him until he got that T for screaming at the ref. Is there anyone with more of a crazed look in their eye when they feel like they have been wronged by the refs? I mean it's almost an advantage to have a ref T up Kobe early in a game. He was relentless after that. Some of the things he did that were near impossible:

• Started a spin move from the top of the key that ended in a silky smooth finger roll
• Fade-away shot from behind the basket in which he gets fouled for the 3-point play
• Kobe behind the back to dodge Sam Cassell's diving steal attempt and launching a jump shot that led to a Mo dunk (Granted, Sam thought he saw his AARP card on the floor and could have actually been diving for that)
• Fading into the corner with 28 seconds left to end the half to get the 2 for 1... crazy shot

2) Luke Walton talking at the end of the half about mental toughness, winning close games, fading in the second half of games, keeping focus. It didn't seem like this kid from Arizona with the Grateful Dead tats was going to be a focused competitor and he really seems like it. That's got to be part of the effect of Kobe's leadership, really.

3) Vlad Rad making his debut (since snowboarding season is pretty much over) had the headband/hair combo with the bright purple protective undershirt on the gold jersey looked like he came straight off of the cover of "Poison: Look what the cat dragged in". I'm going to start saying "Look what the cat dragged in" every time I see him come off the bench... it's appropriate on so many levels...

Dodger and the Hated Ones April 6th, 2007

"Beat LA, Beat LA, Beat LA"

This was the familiar, if not played out chant that the 43 thousand or so fans were bellowing out Friday night at Candlestick, err I mean AT&T ballpark in fog shrouded San Francisco. Before I get on to my review of the game I just want to make a brief comment on the "Beat LA" chant that LA Teams from the Dodgers, Lakers to the Kings hear all over North America.. Is there any other city in North America that elicits this kind of hatred? I mean come on, you never here "Beat New York" or "Beat Chicago" or "Beat Ottawa"...?? What is it that the rest of the continent finds so contemptfull about LosAngeles?? Oh I know, it must be our weather right? No, maybe it's the Hollywood sign? Wait I got it, it must be a combination of the wether, Hollywood and the fact that no where else in the world can you go surfing, off roading and skiing all in one day!! Ya, that's it, the rest of North America is just jealous and the best way for them to let us Los Angelenos know about it is to start up the old, "Beat LA" chant when ever one of our Teams rolls into their town. Back to the game, a sell out crowd and an all time attendance record no less for the hated ones, that came to see their team exact some measure of revenge on those Boy's in Blue who only 7 months earlier were doing a happy dance on their field and spraying champagne all over each other after clinching a playoff berth. Unfortunately for the locals the Dodgers once again continued their mastery over the hated ones. Penny was dealing, mixing up his off speed pitches and spotting fastballs, probably the best I have ever seen Penny as a Dodger. Russel Martin was not only calling a great came from behind the plate, he was making defensive plays that were reminiscent of Yeager, throwing guys out trying to steal second, blocking home plate with his leg a the last minute preventing the hated ones runner from making a play for the plate, all in all a stellar game from the Dodger battery. There were a few fielding blunders, like the Gonzo miss play on Bond's fly ball, and there wasn't alot of offense in this game. This was a pitcher's duel and these types of games are always decided by the Team that blinks and makes a bonehead play. After Gonzo's gaffe it looked it might be the Dodgers who were going to be them time, but as fate would have it for the hated ones it was them. Again.

Dodgers at giants - April 6, 2007

There is no way in hell Ray Durham ever out-jumped Michael Jordan. I don’t care if you cut both of Jordan’s legs off and strap a couple of man-hole covers to his back, he still out jumps Durham any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

There. I had to get that off my chest. Other than relaying that bit of misinformation to the viewing audience, I thought Vin Scully was in mid-season form.

It never feels quite like baseball season has started until the Dodgers and giants square off. Boy, those giants fans sure don’t like the Dodgers, do they? There were plenty of Dodgers fans in the crowd though. You really had to be paying attention to see it, but when they came back from a commercial break they showed a Dodger fan interacting with the giants’ mascot, Lou Seal. I had to go back and watch it a second time to confirm, but the fan actually smacked Lou Seal below the belt before darting off into the crowd. I mean, he smacked him right in the junk. On tv no less. Funny stuff.

If Russell Martin's block of the plate didn’t bring back memories of Iron Mike Scioscia wearing the gear for the Dodgers I don’t know what will. You could actually see Martin’s Canadian heritage break through as he did his best hockey goalie kick save maneuver to deny the runner from ever touching the plate with his foot – even though the runner arrived at the scene well before the ball even did. I’m sorry, but if you’re a runner thinking you’re that close to scoring when all of a sudden the catcher’s leg drops down like an iron door and you’re tagged out, you’ve got feel pretty shocked and a little bit silly. I hope he had plenty of family and friends in the crowd to see it. Yep, that Martin is pretty awesome. He's gonna make a fine manager for the Angels one day, I'm sure.

Ramon Martinez certainly had the kind of inning that I’m sure he’ll remember for a long time. He’ll be old and gray telling his grandkids about that defensive half inning I’m sure. Rightfully so, too. Not bad for a guy who used to pitch for the Dodgers back in the 90s.

One last observation from last night’s game; I noticed Bonds, like the rest of the giants, has his name stenciled on the back of his helmet. Does he really need to do this? Is someone really going to accidentally pick up Bonds’ gargantuan helmet, mistaking it for their own? That thing has got to be absolutely huge to be able to fit on Bonds’ enormously over-sized head. Didn’t Rick Moranis wear Bonds’ helmet while portraying the character Lord Helmet in the movie Space Balls? I thought so.